With so few posts, anyone reading this probably wouldn't really get the metal/spiritual/emotional place I've been in. It was dark. Not like pitch black or dark grey, but more a medium grey place. I've known since about the time Garrett & I got married that natural conception would be hard. When we started trying I came at it from the viewpoint that if we had kids, great - if not, that's fine too. I wouldn't let myself admit that having children was what I really wanted. I still can't fully admit to it. The risk of heartache is too great. But after over a year of trying, I started to believe the lie I so often repeated to myself - that I don't want kids - that I'm not ready - that I'm still just 'little'/too young - that it's just not the right time.
It's now been over 18 months since we started trying to have kids and almost the whole time, I was in a medium-grey world (when it came to having kids). It was within the last few weeks though that I've had an epiphanie. This journey has been as spiritual as it has been emotional and physical. But I had been ignoring my relationship with God for a while. I can't say why exactly - not because I'm embarrassed but because I really don't know. I can guess and say that it could have been because I was lazy or I was too afraid to ask for children and He would say "no" or that I would discover I was being punished for some random thing I did. Whatever the reason though - I was ignoring Him.
But what a comforting thought it is to know that He never ignored me.
Over the last few months I have been slowly trying to be better - to do the things that I know are good and right. I fail a lot. But I'm trying. And these last few weeks I've felt so many small and gentle reminders from Him. They have been so quiet and so small. But they're reminders of how good it feels to have faith and hope and trust. I have had none of those things for a while. The lies I believed prohibited me from feeling hope and trust in Heavenly Father's plan.
So here's the epiphanie I had: What I'm going through sucks. A lot. And it will continue to suck and to emotionally beat me if I continue to try to face this alone. But when I trust Him, it will still suck, but it will suck a lot less and I won't feel alone.
Since realizing this, I've started changing the way I think. Last month I was asking WHY ME!? Yesterday I told Garrett that I'm grateful for what we're going through (?!?! - that's another story). I can't explain how or when the changes started happening, but they have and I am so glad. With starting cycle 2, I've felt so much more peace. I don't understand (and I probably never will) but I feel good. Unlike cycle 1, where I thought the whole time "this isn't going to work," I'm now feeling hope. This could work. This could be the month! This could be the time that our whole lives change! The thought "this could fail" enters my mind too. But it's not as loud as it used to be.
I'm not saying that this whole positive thinking will magically change how my body responds to the medication. It won't. But I am tired of feeling broken and alone and hopeless. It is DRAINING. There's no doubt in my mind that this month will be another month of being poked and prodded - getting shots and constantly taking pills - feeling inadequate, emotionally unbalanced, sad, anxious, and often a little crazy. But all of that seems like nothing now - the hope that I feel is so gloriously warm - like laying on the beach, touching the warm white sand and feeling the sun gently overtake the thoughts you have of everything, placing you into a "happiness" coma. All of the stress and worry still exist, but for that moment, you feel happy/at peace.
So, Dear Self: Remember this. Remember how good it feels to trust Him. Remember how good it feels to know that you have the support of your great husband, your understanding friends and a loving Father. If this isn't the month - that's okay. Feel sad. Feel grief. But never lose hope.