I am so happy right now. I feel like words cannot express what I feel and yet I have so many thoughts running through my head.
It worked. The medicine worked this month. I went in for my ultrasound today and found out my meds worked. The goal was to have a follicle measure at least a 12. The hope was for a 15. Anything bigger would be a miracle (in my mind). All of my follicles were 10 and under.
One beautiful miracle.
I literally gasped when the nurse told me. When she showed me the monitor the follicle looked HUGE!
I waited for the nurse to come back from talking with the doctor. I’ve never gotten to this point before so I had no idea about what would happen next or what our actual chances are. I asked if it could be likely that I could get pregnant with only one follicle. Yes! I can! With chlomid treatments they actually only want 1-2 grown follicles (at least that’s what the nurse told me).
And then I cried (of course). Why? Because after 21 months of wanting to start our family I am actually in a position where is it possible. That one beautifully HUGE follicle could possibly result in a future member of our small family. And while the chances are still slim I am so happy that the possibility even exists!
I’ve felt over the last while that my amount of faith has been so tiny. I feel like I’m on a faith roller coaster sometimes. I know that this small yet huge miracle was not a result of my own faith. I feel so blessed to know that the faith of my family and friends have been constantly around me. Regardless of what the outcome would have been today, I cannot deny that I have felt the strength and support that comes from God when others put their faith in God in your behalf.
My heart is so full of gratitude right now. And such peace, which is the one thing I have desperately pleaded for. One of the best things I have ever done was make CDs of past general conference talks to keep in the car. I often forget they’re there, but as I drove to my appointment I didn’t want to just listen to the radio – I instead remembered and longed to hear the voice of the prophets. As I listened to the messages that were given I knew Heavenly Father was with me. I knew (and still know) that God loved me. I knew that He would comfort me and support me and bear this trial with me – even when my faith is tiny.
I often feel the Holy Ghost quietly whisper to me and remind me of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father. Heavenly Father knows I am one that needs gentle guidance and joyful reminders. He patiently waits as I forget about Him in my day-to-day life and then return to Him. I have said before how I often forget Him. And I have said before how grateful I am to know that He does not forget me.
As I listened to the words of the prophets – men who have the authority to speak the words God wants us to hear – I was beautifully reminded of Heavenly Father’s love for me:
…as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart…You are not forgotten.
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!
He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom.
God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.
The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.
My dear sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine.
It is my prayer and blessing that you will never forget that you are truly precious daughters in God’s kingdom.
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Forget Me Not,” October 2011 General Conference
I know what I’m going through isn’t easy. Frankly, it sucks. I feel so blessed, however, to have the knowledge I have of God and His son, Jesus Christ. I feel so blessed to know that God knows my name; That He knows my heart and the desperate desires I have to start a family; That He knows how to provide me with the strength and comfort I ache for. I am so grateful. Again, words escape me.
Not every part of life has a happy ending. Today happens to be a very happy moment in our journey through infertility. I am so comforted to know that I am able to feel peace on both the good days and the bad.