I honestly feel like a bad person because I'm not in a state of emotional shock and sadness. Of course I am sad that I haven't gotten pregnant yet but I'm not constantly thinking about it. I don't know - I just feel like I should be feeling incredibly upset about it but I'm not. This is such a weird balancing act.
I think I'm okay just being happy with life. Or at least content.
I've been feeling happier though - I think it's because I've been working out more. Excercise has always been frustrating for me. I have NO MOTIVATION to go. But I finally asked for help from someone from church - she's been training at the gym for about a year now and looks AMAZING. So I asked if I could work out with her and if she could help me modify some exercises until I'm strong enough to do the actual exercises. SHE SAID YES! Woohoo! (you have no idea how scared I was to ask - I'm sometimes afraid to talk to people/ask for help).
So this whole last week I was at the gym working out with her. I was in SO MUCH PAIN (Garrett was helping get up and down). But it was good pain. The kind you earn. I feel strong. It's so good to know that you're not in pain because you did something that you're body should do but rather because you worked your body. I LOVE IT.
So what's my motivation? (It's not because I love it - I just say that mostly so I don't associate bad feelings with exercise). It's my future kids.
The PCOS I have isn't because I have cysts on my ovaries. It comes because of hormonal imbalances and weight. If I am able to lose weight my chances of getting pregnant increase. When I'm at the gym and I feel like I'm going to die but know I can still keep going, I think of what getting stronger means - family. So I'm hoping that working out can help in my next cycle. I'll start on Monday taking progesterone for 10 days and will hopefully start my cycle 2-3 days after. That gives me two more weeks. Two weeks to make myself a little stronger. That's the goal - to be stronger, not skinnier (although that'd be great too). So I'm going to rock the gym and rock eating healthy (because really, it's 70% diet and 30% exercise/strength training)! And I'm also going to ROCK being happy :)