I went back to the doctor's last Friday and got the confirmation to cancel this month's cycle. At least this time I was prepared. After Monday's appointment, I just knew that this month would not happen.
I'll admit I'm sad. I feel like I always feel - broken. I know that things will turn around and we'll have our family when we're supposed to, but for now I just feel sad and broken. And that's okay. I feel lucky that right now I've got a bunch of stuff going on to distract me. I'm processing, but I'm able to do it in small doses which is all I can handle right now.
So the next step is Cycle 2. I get a double dose of chlomid (more commonly referred to as my "crazy pills"). Pray Garrett and my young women make it through this next cycle unscathed - my nurse said that the increased dose will make me a little more crazy than the one I just had! Yikes! But hopefully my extra crazy will result in some cute wonderful miracle we'll call our own :)
April 16, 2012
I'm not going to lie - today was tough. I went in for my cycle-day-16 ultrasound, where they check to see how the follicals are growing. So I checked in for my appointment and waited. The nurse called me back after about ten minutes - she kept asking me how I was doing. I thought I was fine but I guess there was something in the expression of my face that was saying something different.
I got ready and the nurse came in. She kept saying, "we're aiming for a 15" - like I know what that means. We "go in" and we measure the uterine lining. It's a 10 - that's good. Then she starts measuring my follicals. She calls out "6" "7" "6.5". I have no clue what that means because by this point, all that's been explained to me is that I'm going to get lots of ultrasounds. She finishes and prints out the ultrasounds to take them to my doctor.
Within thirty seconds after I finish getting dressed she's back and the first words out of her mouth are along the lines of "your follicals are really small. We might have to cancel this month's treatments. Let's schedule you back for an ultrasound on Friday."
After asking a few questions I finally get the information I needed to hear - I haven't ovulated yet. In order to have a viable treatment (and have a trigger shot) my follicals need to measure to a 15. Mine were at 6 & 7. My follicals aren't growing fast enough. I'm likely not to ovulate this month meaning only one thing.
I smiled and asked what would happen next. I'll just be doing the same thing next month only my chlomid treatment will increase. Great - more crazy eyes from Kimmy.
It's been 18 months.
Sometimes I have this feeling - like something inside me is desperate to get out and inside my head feels so loud that I'm going to be swallowed whole. And then there are moments when I feel my whole spirit has shrunk into the deepest walls of my heart and my limbs are empty, moving only due to 22 years of repeated motion. As I sat in my car, trying to leave the hospital, I felt so small. So empty.
I thought I had prepared myself for this moment - the moment when I would find out the first cycle wouldn't work. I knew it wouldn't work - and yet I still hoped.
I still hope.
But despite the hope, that knowledge - no baby - has consumed me today. I tried to stay busy - I watched shows while working on mind-numbing tasks - but each moment I was caught off guard brought a new flood of tears.
While this is all sad, it is also good.
It is good because I know without a doubt in my mind that God loves me. Each streaming tear was another cry to Him for peace and comfort and He gave it.
As Garrett and I have prayed together I ask briefly for the treatments to work. I ask more that we will have peace and understanding. I know that He has answered my prayers.
It's taking a lot of faith to go through this. I'm not alone - I have a wonderful husband who is so kind and gentle and caring. I also have family who prays for me and offers advice and comfort. I have friends who are ready to drop everything to help me. And I have a loving Heavenly Father, who knows why I am going though this and has a special plan for our lives. I thought I knew how to trust Him - I was wrong. I am relying more on Him every day as I pray for peace and understanding. I am relying on Him to keep His promises to me. But, it sure is hard.
If I am going through this at such an early stage in my life, I can't help but wonder what kind of woman He sees in me. She must be pretty strong because the trials won't end here. I feel small now, but I can't wait to meet the woman God intends for me to be...one day.