August 14, 2012

1311 Days

Yup, I’m pregnant!
I can’t even begin to explain how excited we are.  For those of you who didn’t know, Garrett and I have been waiting almost 2 years to have this news.  We knew that having children would be difficult and based on the experiences of other family members, we didn’t think that anything we did would work.  After over a year of trying we found a clinic in Houston that has some of the top doctors in the nation for fertility (for my fertility issue).  We knew as soon as we started our treatments that the reason we felt we needed to go to Houston rather than Dallas was because of this clinic.  We started treatments and for a while nothing happened.  Garrett and I were prepared to stop treatments after another month because we couldn’t afford them.  We pretty much thought that the only other option we would have was adoption if our last cycle didn’t work – and that would mean waiting at least another 5 years.
It was hard to accept that.
But I responded to the last round of treatments.  We waited and waited till I could take the pregnancy test.  I was so afraid to take it – that it would be a negative.  I took the test and waited, willing it to be positive.  After the three minutes were up I looked at that first test and my heart broke.  There was only one line – a negative.  But then I looked at it again and there is was – an incredibly faint second line.  Incredibly faint.  I immediately went to the computer to find out what that meant.  It was possible I was pregnant.  So I waited a few more days and tested again – POSITIVE!!!!
Baby Williams is officially due April 28, 2013.  We’ll have waited almost 2 1/2 years to have a baby when he/she arrives and we are so grateful and excited!!
So how did I tell Garrett?
Technically I knew a few days before Garrett found out – I needed time to make sure I could tell Garrett in a cool way.  When driving around, Garrett and I always see “expectant mother parking” spots and joke that I should be able to park there because I’m expecting to be a mother someday. So I went and picked up Garrett from the bus on Monday and when we pulled into our parking spot Garrett saw this:
How far along am I?
This question took a LONG time to answer.  I didn’t know my official due date until 10/10/12!  Why? Well, until 10/10, I thought it was because due to the treatments and timing, normal calculation methods wouldn’t be as accurate.  Then I found out from my OB that the fertility center had the wrong date listed as the first day of my cycle (it was off by 1.5 weeks).  I thought I was going to have a HUGE baby because early on the nurses kept saying that our baby was measuring large for how far along I was supposed to be.  Then my OB and I cleared it up and it turns out I was farther along than I thought (and all measurements were now normal).
As of 10/14/2012 I will be officially 12 weeks!
What we know so far:
  • Baby is growing great and is measuring perfectly!
  • Despite being on pelvic rest due to tears and being tired ALL THE TIME, I’m doing great – I’ve yet to throw up!
  • Baby is about 1 1/4″ long.  Baby doesn’t like being compared to food, but to give you an idea, he’s about the size of a lime.
  • Baby does not like the terms “prego” or “preggers” – his mom is PREGNANT.
  • Baby likes to wiggle and sleep – just like his Mom
  • Most everyone thinks Baby is a girl. Garrett wants a boy (but only a little more than a girl).  I’m happy with a boy or a girl

August 7, 2012

Cycle 3: Day 16

I am so happy right now.  I feel like words cannot express what I feel and yet I have so many thoughts running through my head.
It worked.  The medicine worked this month.  I went in for my ultrasound today and found out my meds worked.  The goal was to have a follicle measure at least a 12. The hope was for a 15.  Anything bigger would be a miracle (in my mind).  All of my follicles were 10 and under.
Except one.
One beautiful miracle.
A 17.5.
I literally gasped when the nurse told me.  When she showed me the monitor the follicle looked HUGE!
I waited for the nurse to come back from talking with the doctor.  I’ve never gotten to this point before so I had no idea about what would happen next or what our actual chances are.  I asked if it could be likely that I could get pregnant with only one follicle.  Yes!  I can!   With chlomid treatments they actually only want 1-2 grown follicles (at least that’s what the nurse told me).
And then I cried (of course).  Why? Because after 21 months of wanting to start our family I am actually in a position where is it possible. That one beautifully HUGE follicle could possibly result in a future member of our small family.  And while the chances are still slim I am so happy that the possibility even exists!
I’ve felt over the last while that my amount of faith has been so tiny.  I feel like I’m on a faith roller coaster sometimes.  I know that this small yet huge miracle was not a result of my own faith.  I feel so blessed to know that the faith of my family and friends have been constantly around me.  Regardless of what the outcome would have been today, I cannot deny that I have felt the strength and support that comes from God when others put their faith in God in your behalf.
My heart is so full of gratitude right now.  And such peace, which is the one thing I have desperately pleaded for.  One of the best things I have ever done was make CDs of past general conference talks to keep in the car.  I often forget they’re there, but as I drove to my appointment I didn’t want to just listen to the radio – I instead remembered and longed to hear the voice of the prophets.  As I listened to the messages that were given I knew Heavenly Father was with me.  I knew (and still know) that God loved me.  I knew that He would comfort me and support me and bear this trial with me – even when my faith is tiny.
I often feel the Holy Ghost quietly whisper to me and remind me of Jesus Christ and our Heavenly Father.  Heavenly Father knows I am one that needs gentle guidance and joyful reminders.  He patiently waits as I forget about Him in my day-to-day life and then return to Him.  I have said before how I often forget Him.  And I have said before how grateful I am to know that He does not forget me.
As I listened to the words of the prophets – men who have the authority to speak the words God wants us to hear – I was beautifully reminded of Heavenly Father’s love for me:
…as an Apostle of our Master, Jesus Christ, I proclaim with all the certainty and conviction of my heart…You are not forgotten.
Sisters, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances may be, you are not forgotten. No matter how dark your days may seem, no matter how insignificant you may feel, no matter how overshadowed you think you may be, your Heavenly Father has not forgotten you. In fact, He loves you with an infinite love.
Just think of it: You are known and remembered by the most majestic, powerful, and glorious Being in the universe! You are loved by the King of infinite space and everlasting time!
He who created and knows the stars knows you and your name—you are the daughters of His kingdom.
God loves you because you are His child. He loves you even though at times you may feel lonely or make mistakes.
The love of God and the power of the restored gospel are redemptive and saving. If you will only allow His divine love into your life, it can dress any wound, heal any hurt, and soften any sorrow.
My dear sisters, you are closer to heaven than you suppose. You are destined for more than you can possibly imagine.
It is my prayer and blessing that you will never forget that you are truly precious daughters in God’s kingdom.
-President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, “Forget Me Not,” October 2011 General Conference
I know what I’m going through isn’t easy.  Frankly, it sucks.  I feel so blessed, however, to have the knowledge I have of God and His son, Jesus Christ. I feel so blessed to know that God knows my name;  That He knows my heart and the desperate desires I have to start a family; That He knows how to provide me with the strength and comfort I ache for.  I am so grateful.  Again, words escape me.
Not every part of life has a happy ending.  Today happens to be a very happy moment in our journey through infertility.  I am so comforted to know that I am able to feel peace on both the good days and the bad.

August 3, 2012

Cycle 3: Day 12

Okay, so this may not be the-most-incredible-news-on-the-face-of-the-planet news, but it’s good and it’s happy!
I went into my dr. appointment today.  It’s day 12 of my cycle and they did an ultrasound of my ovaries to see how fast my follicles have been growing (like I mentioned before, the doctors want them to measure between a 12 & 15).  During the last two cycles the highest a follicle ever got was a 9, but they mostly stayed in the 6/7 area (and that was being checked on day 16-20 of my cycle).
Well today is only day 12 which means I’ve still got some time to go…
and today my follicle measured
A 10!!!!!
It’s not a 12 or a 15, but still – a 10 is MUCH better than a 6, especially at this point in the cycle!
I don’t think I’ve really digested that news until now.
I did that!  My follicle hit a 10!
There’s hope!
My body is responding!
I’m not failing!
It’s working! (even just a little bit)
I’m so excited!
BEST. DAY. EVER!! (okay – well, it’s closer than many other days)
What’s next?  Well, we wait until Tuesday when I go back in for another ultrasound (meh).  Hopefully by then they’ll have matured to at least a 12.  After that – well, it’s up to the doctors, but assuming things go well we wait for nature to take it’s course and hope for the best.
So here’s what I need you to do: Send good vibes our way!  Regardless of what happens, we know that Heavenly Father’s watching out for us and we’re trying to trust in His time table.  But asking for extra help and for peace and understanding won’t hurt either so any prayers for us to whomever you believe in is appreciated.
We’re totally hopeful that this could be the month (and totally freaking out too – but then again, what sane person doesn’t freak out at the thought of becoming a parent!).  We’re trying not to let our fears take over and instead remain hopeful.  All I know is that right now I am so incredibly grateful.  I don’t know if I could have handled another month of complete disappointment.  Again, even if I don’t get pregnant this month, this news is better than any of the news since we’ve started this journey and I am so grateful.