Cycle 3: Day 9

No emotion.  That’s what I feel right now, or rather what I don’t feel.  Except tired – I am tired.  Tired of having no control over myself, of feeling nothing, of taking pills, of being poked and jabbed. of feeling sick every day. Granted, this is probably the meds talking, but I can’t help but wonder if the question I keep asking myself is actually from me: Is this all worth it?

I’m trying to be strong – to not feel apathetic, depressed, doubtful but it is so hard.  Every month that a cycle gets cancelled I feel like a failure and I can’t stop thinking about the time and money that I'VE wasted because my body isn't responding to the medication.  And although it’s only been two cycles, it feels like I've been in a constant state of failure.

I know in my heart that I’m not.  A failure, I mean.  I know in my heart that I’m really not a depressing person.  I know in my heart that I am not worthless and hopeless.  I know that in my heart.  But the sinking feeling I keep having from my head sometimes makes it hard to believe.

Cycle 3: Day 6

I want to give a shout out to all you supportive spouses.

Thank you for your constant encouragement and support.  Thank you for holding us while we struggle with feeling inadequate, broken, and like a failure.  Thank you for editing your language and knowing what is and isn’t okay to say.  Thank you for knowing how to love and lift us.  Thank you for missing an event because we couldn’t bear being in public.  Thank you for dealing with the doctor visits, the financial struggles, and especially the crazy-eyes (you know what I’m talking about).

Most of all thank you for understanding and remembering – understanding that this is not easy and remembering that all the discomfort, pain, and sadness is for something GOOD – for our future family.

Thank you.

I love you and think you’re wonderful.  Thank you for going through this so we can have kids.  I know it’s not easy on you and I appreciate it.

–Text from Garrett yesterday after a dr. appointment

Cycle 3: Day 5

Whew!  So I just finished re-designing this whole blogsite and it has been so much fun!  I’ve changed my website a lot, but never a complete revamp and I am SO happy with how it turned out – it’s totally me!

With the new design I decided to open up a bit more about the things going on in my life, particularly my experiences as Garrett and I go through fertility treatments.  This is the first post I’ve written knowing that people will be able to see it – all the previous posts were written on a private blog that I shared only with Garrett. No one saw it.  So this is kind of a big deal.  I’ve been going over this decision in my mind for a while now – to make these posts public/accessible.  I’ve hesitated because I view everything I do as an extension of my brand/business (which is an extension of me) – and I really don’t want to be that person who shares WAY too much about their personal life on the internet…like T.M.I.-ville.

Obviously I decided to take the plunge.  Why?  In my short time in “infertility land” (2 years is short – I know people who’ve been here for 10+ years) I’ve been blessed to meet so many women who are struggling with infertility as well.  Each situation is unique, but there is an instant connection between women who face infertility.  These women have showed me how easy it is to be closed off about your problems and endure them alone AND how easy it is to share your trials and find support and encouragement.  Especially as of late I’ve been meeting women who are where I was almost two years ago.  I feel that it’s 100% easier to deal with something when you know and can talk with someone who’s been there (so yes, that means a conversation…meaning you can ask me questions/offer advice & insight if you want to).

I started blogging because (1) I hate to write by hand (it hurts) and (2) to cope (poor Garrett – He’s spent way too many nights awake consoling me).  So while I’m writing in a public area, I’m writing more for me – because I need to.

I hope if you’re reading this that you might find some strength/hope/empathy/compassion from me – even if your trial isn’t fertility-related.

We all struggle.  We all need someone to just listen.  So thank you for being my listening ear.

Cycle 2: Day 35

I've learned about myself that I hate feeling sad or depressed or unhappy. I instead find a way to quickly get over bad things that happen to me.  Things roll easily off my back.  When I found out that Cycle 2 was cancelled I was sad, but I quickly got over it and continued being busy with everything else I was doing.  

I honestly feel like a bad person because I'm not in a state of emotional shock and sadness.  Of course I am sad that I haven't gotten pregnant yet but I'm not constantly thinking about it.  I don't know - I just feel like I should be feeling incredibly upset about it but I'm not.  This is such a weird balancing act. 

I think I'm okay just being happy with life.  Or at least content.

I've been feeling happier though - I think it's because I've been working out more.  Excercise has always been frustrating for me.  I have NO MOTIVATION to go.  But I finally asked for help from someone from church - she's been training at the gym for about a year now and looks AMAZING.  So I asked if I could work out with her and if she could help me modify some exercises until I'm strong enough to do the actual exercises.  SHE SAID YES!  Woohoo! (you have no idea how scared I was to ask - I'm sometimes afraid to talk to people/ask for help).  

So this whole last week I was at the gym working out with her.  I was in SO MUCH PAIN (Garrett was helping get up and down).  But it was good pain.  The kind you earn.  I feel strong.  It's so good to know that you're not in pain because you did something that you're body should do but rather because you worked your body.  I LOVE IT.  

So what's my motivation?  (It's not because I love it - I just say that mostly so I don't associate bad feelings with exercise).  It's my future kids.

The PCOS I have isn't because I have cysts on my ovaries.  It comes because of hormonal imbalances and weight.  If I am able to lose weight my chances of getting pregnant increase.  When I'm at the gym and I feel like I'm going to die but know I can still keep going, I think of what getting stronger means - family.  So I'm hoping that working out can help in my next cycle.  I'll start on Monday taking progesterone for 10 days and will hopefully start my cycle 2-3 days after.  That gives me two more weeks.  Two weeks to make myself a little stronger.  That's the goal - to be stronger, not skinnier (although that'd be great too). So I'm going to rock the gym and rock eating healthy (because really, it's 70% diet and 30% exercise/strength training)!  And I'm also going to ROCK being happy :)

Cycle 2: Cancelled

No words right now.

Cycle 2: Day 5

In April during General Conference, President Packer said something that I took offense to at the time.  He said:

Another young couple tearfully told me they had just come from a doctor where they were told they would be unable to have children of their own. They were brokenhearted with the news. They were surprised when I told them that they were actually quite fortunate. They wondered why I would say such a thing. I told them their state was infinitely better than that of other couples who were capable of being parents but who rejected and selfishly avoided that responsibility.

I told them, “At least you want children, and that desire will weigh heavily in your favor in your earthly lives and beyond because it will provide spiritual and emotional stability. Ultimately, you will be much better off because you wanted children and could not have them, as compared to those who could but would not have children.

I'm not quite so sure why I took offense - I think it mainly was because I felt he was belittling the couple's grief and pain.  How could President Packer compare these two scenarios and focus on their eternal judgment rather than offer kind words of comfort and counsel?!

Then the other day I came across an article titled "10 things to never say to a women without children."  I often see titles like this and I always read them.  Typically they always are written from the point of view of a woman who cannot have children.  I glanced over this article and thought it sounded like any other one I'd read like it.  Then I really started reading it.  While some points were made from an infertility view, most were taken from the context that whatever woman you're talking about chose not to have children.

This is when I got upset.  

I honestly could care less if another couple decides not to have children.  That's not my choice.  But I get upset when people compare the experiences and emotions between women who cannot have children vs women who choose not to have children.  Understandably, treating an infertile woman and a woman who chooses not to have children like neither knows how to care for kids is equally offensive/rude.  But asking "when are you going to start having children" is (in my mind) much more painful for the infertile woman.  If you (general 'you') are choosing not to have children, there is obviously something more important that makes the decision easier (but not necessarily easy) to stand by.  You have a reason.  There is a logical explanation for why you do not want kids. So when I ask you "when ..." you can easily say "we aren't having kids for reason x,y,&z."  The question is possibly emotionally tough, but you have a supporting reason to stand on.  For women who cannot have children, all we can do is shrug our shoulders and either say "not for a while - we can't have kids" or lie with some made up reason/half-truth like "we're not ready" or "we're waiting till we're financially stable."  

I don't know why, but all of a sudden I was so proud of the battle I'm fighting.  I am fighting myself to have kids.  While totally draining (as any battle is), I am fighting for something good and worth while.  I no longer felt this major self pity party.  I was pumped to kick infertily's butt!  Whether through natural conception, IVF, adoption, ...  we are going to have children!

So now I can read President Packer's quote with a little more understanding - what we're going through isn't great.  But how blessed are we to have this perspective - that we do to want something that is good and precious in our lives.  

That's when I told Garrett that I'm grateful we're going through this.  If it wasn't infertility, it would be something else.  Our lives will have challenges.  But I feel so blessed to know that we're fighting to do what we know is right.  We're not giving up and being hopeless.  We are blessed to know that whatever the outcome, we can make this trial happy - by the way we talk about it, the way we react to it, the way we support each other. The things that we will have to do to fight for the chance to have children can potentially help us become really great people - selfless and supportive. I am so glad that this is my trial.  I don't know what other trials I could handle, but Heavenly Father knew that this trial would be hard, but that I would find the strength and support to get through it.  I will have hard times ahead, but in this moment I am happy.  I am grateful.  I am hopeful.  

Cycle 2: Day 4

With so few posts, anyone reading this probably wouldn't really get the metal/spiritual/emotional place I've been in.  It was dark.  Not like pitch black or dark grey, but more a medium grey place.  I've known since about the time Garrett & I got married that natural conception would be hard.  When we started trying I came at it from the viewpoint that if we had kids, great - if not, that's fine too.  I wouldn't let myself admit that having children was what I really wanted.  I still can't fully admit to it.  The risk of heartache is too great.  But after over a year of trying, I started to believe the lie I so often repeated to myself - that I don't want kids - that I'm not ready - that I'm still just 'little'/too young - that it's just not the right time.  

It's now been over 18 months since we started trying to have kids and almost the whole time, I was in a medium-grey world (when it came to having kids).  It was within the last few weeks though that I've had an epiphanie.  This journey has been as spiritual as it has been emotional and physical.  But I had been ignoring my relationship with God for a while.  I can't say why exactly - not because I'm embarrassed but because I really don't know.  I can guess and say that it could have been because I was lazy or I was too afraid to ask for children and He would say "no" or that I would discover I was being punished for some random thing I did.  Whatever the reason though - I was ignoring Him.  

But what a comforting thought it is to know that He never ignored me.

Over the last few months I have been slowly trying to be better  - to do the things that I know are good and right.  I fail a lot.  But I'm trying.  And these last few weeks I've felt so many small and gentle reminders from Him.  They have been so quiet and so small.  But they're reminders of how good it feels to have faith and hope and trust.  I have had none of those things for a while.  The lies I believed prohibited me from feeling hope and trust in Heavenly Father's plan.  

So here's the epiphanie I had: What I'm going through sucks.  A lot. And it will continue to suck and to emotionally beat me if I continue to try to face this alone.  But when I trust Him, it will still suck, but it will suck a lot less and I won't feel alone.

Since realizing this, I've started changing the way I think.  Last month I was asking WHY ME!?  Yesterday I told Garrett that I'm grateful for what we're going through (?!?! - that's another story).  I can't explain how or when the changes started happening, but they have and I am so glad.  With starting cycle 2, I've felt so much more peace.  I don't understand (and I probably never will) but I feel good.  Unlike cycle 1, where I thought the whole time "this isn't going to work," I'm now feeling hope.  This could work.  This could be the month!  This could be the time that our whole lives change!  The thought "this could fail" enters my mind too.  But it's not as loud as it used to be.  

I'm not saying that this whole positive thinking will magically change how my body responds to the medication. It won't.  But I am tired of feeling broken and alone and hopeless.  It is DRAINING.  There's no doubt in my mind that this month will be another month of being poked and prodded - getting shots and constantly taking pills - feeling inadequate, emotionally unbalanced, sad, anxious, and often a little crazy.  But all of that seems like nothing now - the hope that I feel is so gloriously warm - like laying on the beach, touching the warm white sand and feeling the sun gently overtake the thoughts you have of everything, placing you into a "happiness" coma. All of the stress and worry still exist, but for that moment, you feel happy/at peace.  

So, Dear Self: Remember this.  Remember how good it feels to trust Him.  Remember how good it feels to know that you have the support of your great husband, your understanding friends and a loving Father.  If this isn't the month - that's okay.  Feel sad.  Feel grief.  But never lose hope.

Cycle 1: Cancelled

I went back to the doctor's last Friday and got the confirmation to cancel this month's cycle.  At least this time I was prepared.  After Monday's appointment, I just knew that this month would not happen.

I'll admit I'm sad.  I feel like I always feel - broken.  I know that things will turn around and we'll have our family when we're supposed to, but for now I just feel sad and broken.  And that's okay.  I feel lucky that right now I've got a bunch of stuff going on to distract me.  I'm processing, but I'm able to do it in small doses which is all I can handle right now.

So the next step is Cycle 2.  I get a double dose of chlomid (more commonly referred to as my "crazy pills").  Pray Garrett and my young women make it through this next cycle unscathed - my nurse said that the increased dose will make me a little more crazy than the one I just had!  Yikes! But hopefully my extra crazy will result in some cute wonderful miracle we'll call our own :)

Cycle 1: Update

I'm not going to lie - today was tough. I went in for my cycle-day-16 ultrasound, where they check to see how the follicals are growing.  So I checked in for my appointment and waited.  The nurse called me back after about ten minutes - she kept asking me how I was doing.  I thought I was fine but I guess there was something in the expression of my face that was saying something different.

I got ready and the nurse came in.  She kept saying, "we're aiming for a 15" - like I know what that means. We "go in" and we measure the uterine lining.  It's a 10 - that's good.  Then she starts measuring my follicals.  She calls out "6" "7" "6.5".  I have no clue what that means because by this point, all that's been explained to me is that I'm going to get lots of ultrasounds.  She finishes and prints out the ultrasounds to take them to my doctor.

Within thirty seconds after I finish getting dressed she's back and the first words out of her mouth are along the lines of "your follicals are really small.  We might have to cancel this month's treatments. Let's schedule you back for an ultrasound on Friday."

After asking a few questions I finally get the information I needed to hear - I haven't ovulated yet.  In order to have a viable treatment (and have a trigger shot) my follicals need to measure to a 15.  Mine were at 6 & 7.  My follicals aren't growing fast enough.  I'm likely not to ovulate this month meaning only one thing.

No baby.

I smiled and asked what would happen next.  I'll just be doing the same thing next month only my chlomid treatment will increase.  Great - more crazy eyes from Kimmy.

No baby.

NO baby.

It's been 18 months.

no baby.

Sometimes I have this feeling - like something inside me is desperate to get out and inside my head feels so loud that I'm going to be swallowed whole.  And then there are moments when I feel my whole spirit has shrunk into the deepest walls of my heart and my limbs are empty, moving only due to 22 years of repeated motion.  As I sat in my car, trying to leave the hospital, I felt so small.  So empty.

no baby.

I thought I had prepared myself for this moment - the moment when I would find out the first cycle wouldn't work.  I knew it wouldn't work - and yet I still hoped.

I still hope.

But despite the hope, that knowledge - no baby - has consumed me today.  I tried to stay busy - I watched shows while working on mind-numbing tasks - but each moment I was caught off guard brought a new flood of tears.

---

While this is all sad, it is also good.

It is good because I know without a doubt in my mind that God loves me.  Each streaming tear was another cry to Him for peace and comfort and He gave it.

As Garrett and I have prayed together I ask briefly for the treatments to work.  I ask more that we will have peace and understanding.  I know that He has answered my prayers.

It's taking a lot of faith to go through this.  I'm not alone - I have a wonderful husband who is so kind and gentle and caring.  I also have family who prays for me and offers advice and comfort.  I have friends who are ready to drop everything to help me.  And I have a loving Heavenly Father, who knows why I am going though this and has a special plan for our lives.  I thought I knew how to trust Him - I was wrong.  I am relying more on Him every day as I pray for peace and understanding.  I am relying on Him to keep His promises to me. But, it sure is hard.

If I am going through this at such an early stage in my life, I can't help but wonder what kind of woman He sees in me.  She must be pretty strong because the trials won't end here.  I feel small now, but I can't wait to meet the woman God intends for me to be...one day.