Cycle 3: Day 9

No emotion.  That’s what I feel right now, or rather what I don’t feel.  Except tired – I am tired.  Tired of having no control over myself, of feeling nothing, of taking pills, of being poked and jabbed. of feeling sick every day. Granted, this is probably the meds talking, but I can’t help but wonder if the question I keep asking myself is actually from me: Is this all worth it?

I’m trying to be strong – to not feel apathetic, depressed, doubtful but it is so hard.  Every month that a cycle gets cancelled I feel like a failure and I can’t stop thinking about the time and money that I'VE wasted because my body isn't responding to the medication.  And although it’s only been two cycles, it feels like I've been in a constant state of failure.

I know in my heart that I’m not.  A failure, I mean.  I know in my heart that I’m really not a depressing person.  I know in my heart that I am not worthless and hopeless.  I know that in my heart.  But the sinking feeling I keep having from my head sometimes makes it hard to believe.